Lessons

I’m writing this today because as the mother of 3 beautiful, healthy girls, I have made it my mission to teach my girls that one of the most important things in life is being kind to others.   I believe it is our job to teach our children that the world is made up of many different and unique human beings. That the differences in us is what makes us beautiful.  The truth is that children are not born with hate or dislike for others, parents and society starts to teach that.  I think that children by nature are intrigued by differences that they may see in others, but it is our job to explain to them the why and form compassion in them.  An example that I will share with you is one in which I was just being the mother that I am, and yet I left that situation with a bigger conviction that it is important to teach my girls to accept everyone for who they are.  One night, after a long day at a Disney Park, we got on the shuttle back to our hotel room.  As we made our way to the back of the shuttle, we passed a little albinal girl with her mother.   As we sat down,  my oldest, that at the time might have been 10 or 11 years old, turns to me and  says, ” mom, why does that little girl look like that? every time I see a kid like that it scares me, they look scary.” I did not get mad at her because I realized that she had probably bumped into few if any albinal people.  As a child she did not understand why their features were the way they were.  So, I took the time to explain to her that there was nothing to be scared of. The little girl was just like she was, only that because she was albinal (which I explained what that meant) her skin, eyes and color hair were a little different then what she is used to. But that it was no different from blonde or black, blue or brown eyes, and white or black skin. That her being albinal is what made her unique. By the end of our conversation, my daughter understood, apologized to me for what she had said, because with the knowledge she had now about what she feared, she felt bad.  Either way, a few seconds after we were done speaking, there was gentleman sitting in the back that I had not realized was there, he tells me,”hank You.  Confused, I asked him what he was thanking me for.  He explained to me, that the little albinal girl in the front with her mother was his wife and daughter. He went on to tell me that of course the probabilities to having an albino child are very rare but even more rare was the fact that their second daughter came out albino as well. He told me he had heard the entire conversation that I had with my daughter and was so thankful that I had taken the time to explain why his daughter was a little different. He told me that many times he hears kids who make fun of or are scared by his daughter and sees parents who just don’t care. And even less, parents who cared enough to to take the time to explain that differences in people are not a reason of fear, instead a form of uniqueness. Uniquness that makes all of us, US!

Living with a mask……

Today has been one of those days that I have sat and wondered a lot about the masks we put on for different people in our lives.  I wonder if I fully have ever allowed anyone to see and know the whole me.   I believe in life we either  mask who we are, or we only allow for most to see just parts of us. I think, I have tried with a selected few to be as open and honest about who I am.  I’ve opened up parts of my souls and inner demons to them, allowed for them to see the deepest of my scars to the most superficial.  But even with that, I truly wonder if they know all of me. I think I’m starting to doubt that they do.  I think as we evolve as human beings, we start to change some core parts of what or who we are.  If we are not cautious of allowing others to see the changes, then we are walking around masking the new us. I think it is quite the challenge to  talk to others without a mask, whether it be a full or half mask. We fear rejection, disappointment and vulnerability. It is quite frightening to let go of your mask and walk the universe being the real you. Although, I must imagine it is probably also the most freeing experience to have.  I am not sure that I can or ever will be able to achieve that experience, but I will make it one of my life goals to try.  I will also make a cautious effort to encourage the many wonderful relationships I have in my life to do the same.  To talk to me without their masks and not be afraid of rejection or judgment. I want to create a place where the mask can come off and they can see , that the universe still views them as wonderful human beings,  in spite of or because of their story, demons, mistakes or choices.  The reality in this is that everyone has demons or regrets that they carry, no one is free of mistakes. Maybe one day, humanity as a whole, will make it easier for everyone to strip themselves of the masks without fear.  For now, I guess I will continue to allow some to view only parts of me, in hopes that one day, I’m brave enough to let them in to see all of me.

Demons…..????

Why? What is causing me to resort to my old habits? I thought this chapter of my life was something of the past. I personally tend to think it is not a weakness to the drug, whatever it may be. It’s a weakness to the demons in you. The demons you are fighting off. New or old. Tonight, I face new demons. Demons I’ve never have to fight off. I am not sure what this chapters purpose is, if any at all. I’m hurting too many in this. Am I strong? Strong enough to do the right thing whatever it may be? Problem is I don’t know what the right thing is. Maybe he will show me, maybe he will guide me. But who knows, maybe he doesn’t exist. But if he does, please help in this path of my journey. I think I’m hurt, lost and confused. If ever I needed you, tonight is one of those nights. But unfortunately, I just don’t believe you are there, I don’t believe you exist……..

How do we live free doing what makes us happy AND still be a good person??….

I found myself asking this question the other day after a conversation with a friend.   It came up because there are so many things that society  would consider “wrong” by many standards, but yet, they are things that we necessarily don’t feel are wrong for us, or at least, wrong at the moment.  Sometimes I believe we find ourselves with a conflict within us because society tells us what the “right” thing is, but yet, what we feel will make us happy is the complete opposite of that.  I understand that sometimes our choices affect not only us but the people closest to us.  With that said, I find that most of the time we base our choices or decisions on how it will make others feel.  Fear that we will cause pain to those we love most. But now, completely sounding selfish for a moment, how can it be OK to sacrifice our wants or feelings of happiness, to spare the feelings of others.  At the end of our lives, we all have a moment in which we take a look at the choices we have made, and realize that the only relationship that you will leave this world with, is the one you came with, and that is yourself.  So how do we live freely doing what makes us happy and still be a good person?……..I am still a good person, I don’t want to hurt anyone…..never have, but at times I’ve done just that…..I’ve hurt people and I’ve been hurt by others….it’s just life….it doesn’t make me a piece of shit because of it….I make mistakes everyday, but I also do a lot of good…..I can’t be perfect and trying to aim for that is exhausting sometimes….I am going to make choices that might hurt others, it might even hurt those closest to me….but how can sacrificing myself to not hurt others be fair? I understand that this thinking is completely selfish, but if I’m not selfish with myself who else will be it for me?  Who else will sit there for me, 50 years from now, feeling full of regrets or what if’s because I based my decisions on how it would or would not hurt others.  Sparing  their pain at the expense of my happiness. Even if the happiness is just for a moment in time, and maybe won’t be there to last a lifetime…. but how do we justify trading ANY of our happiness for anything or anyone??? I don’t know, maybe it’s my way of making excuses for the pain I have caused and will most likely continue to do so in the name of happiness. But somehow, it just doesn’t feel wrong for me to feel that way. I hope that as I continue my journey in life, I hurt people the least I possibly can.  With that said,I also choose not to live my life full of regrets, or what if’s, in fear that I will hurt others along the way of me finding my happiness, whatever that might be.

Today sucked…….

You know, sometimes life just sucks! Not to say, you are not thankful or grateful for the many blessings in your life….it just means today kind of sucked! And you know, it’s OK. It’s Ok to feel like you’re day was not as you would have liked or planned it to be.  I find it wrong and just offensive at the notion that because I feel my day sucked, that I am not grateful for being alive.  I will now confess, that my views on god are a bit distorted. Well, not distorted just more like, not  sure that one exists…. I’m not closed off at the idea that there is one, but I have my reservations.  My purpose to this very short post, is just to say, that my day today, was not what I would have liked or even wanted. It sucked and it’s OK because tomorrow will come, and all I can hope is for a better day.  Tonight, I will dream all my dreams, in hopes that tomorrow,I can make some of those dreams reality.